2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.