On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
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I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Mhm.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you