Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
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“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I’m sorry…what?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
North and South