The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
taking June’s advice to heart
He wanted to make sure😂
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Selfie
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet