The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
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Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*limbos away from your hug*
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Oh thanks BBC.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates