“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
You’ll be OK
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla