teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.