Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
This is a bad sign
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
(2022)
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters