Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
You Might Also Like
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.