3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
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People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video