I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
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My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Sooo many times…..
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.