my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
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person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.