My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Hard not to take this personally
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone