From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Meat Cute
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.