Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.