My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Dammit Chief not again
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.