You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.