Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
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*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.