Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.