there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
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I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no