Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
You Might Also Like
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian