aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Something Saturday.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I’m not lazy
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow