The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
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My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.