what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.