No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?