Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
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My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.