Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
We need more people like this.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.