The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
me working on my assignments ^-^
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?