My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
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My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
B
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.