I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
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While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
#Caturday
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia