[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
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[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.