“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy