Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
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ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
A friend helps you before you need it
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow