The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
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Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
So glad we cleared that up
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.