*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
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6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.