You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I have two kinds of followers
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.