My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
In banana years, I am bread.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream