Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
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1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Friends that check up on you >
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Merica.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.