How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.