I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.