Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
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A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Still cracks me up
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.