*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
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I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
This January has 47 Mondays
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.