My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
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Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.