The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
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Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.