HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.