me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Worst perfume name ever.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?