My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
everyone has that one prude friend
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.