I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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Just a phase…
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Breaking news:
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.