What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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I see a badly-tied bin liner.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Bootstraps
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.