I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
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My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it